


The Hardest Choices

by Red_Baroness



Category: Original Work
Genre: And I meant salt towards vegans, Fuck Subway, I got paid for this, I'm certain all vegans can eat salt, Joke Fic, Not salt for vegans, Sandwiches, Slight Vegan Salt, Someone gave me money for this, Subway hate, Very miniscule political commentary because I'm a socialist woman on the internet, What'd you expect?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 12:55:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15707646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Baroness/pseuds/Red_Baroness
Summary: Dave just wants a sandwich.





	The Hardest Choices

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NegativePharos](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=NegativePharos).



> This was commissioned by a friend of mine, I promise I don't just write weird fics.

Meet Dave. Dave is an average guy, who lives a perfectly average life. He lives in a small house down on Dominion Avenue, with his wife and children. Dave drives a plain white Subaru to and fro his workplace. Now, you may wonder what exactly kind of problems Dave may encounter in his daily life. Most of them are simple ones. Traffic jams, weather issues, the fact that the economical structure of Canada is decaying and there's nothing we can do about it. But today that all changes.

Today, Dave decided to stop in at his favourite sandwich place. Fred's Footlongs, what a nice name for a place. Not a sexual innuendo in sight, no sir. Dave entered the shop, going to talk to Fred.

"Good afternoon Fred." Dave said in greeting.

"Sup Dave, what can I get fer you today?" Fred said with a smile.

Today, Dave is faced with another issue. What sandwich should he get? He already knows he wants it on white bread; but what does he want in the sandwich? What meat is he to get? He can get ham, which is his usual choice. But why not change it up a little bit and get tuna? On one hand, it's hard to go wrong with ham. A ham sandwich is almost always a good choice to get. You cannot feasibly go wrong with a ham sandwich. But on the other hand tuna is so very underrated. Nobody truly comprehends the delicacy that is a well-made tuna sandwich. Especially one prepared by the magical hands of Fred. Everyone throughout the town speak of the legend that is Fred's Tuna Melts. The mixture of the tuna-fish and mayonnaise, with that celery and onion? Scrumptious, simply godly. The way the cheese is beautifully laid out upon the bread, and how the bread is then cooked to perfection in a skillet? You cannot comprehend the god-like abilities Fred has whilst in a kitchen.

But then we get to the ham option. So simple, yet so masterful. Fred's Ham and Cheese melts? As good as you'd expect from a god, easily. He doesn’t even LIKE mustard, yet Fred makes it work. He truly makes this work. Fred is only ever able to eat anything with mustard on it if it comes from Fred. That's it, that is the only way for anyone to eat mustard. Any other setting, Dave would ask for no mustard. But not with Fred. Fred makes mustard good, the absolute legend. He also uses the best Swiss cheese you've ever had. Seriously, how does this guys CHEESE taste better than anyone else's? If it weren't absolutely insane to consider, one would accuse him of using magic or something. Like, you can't just make sandwiches taste this good without any sort of supernatural abilities.

Those workers at Subway don't deserve to be called "Sandwich Artists", no that is a title reserved for Fred. Fred really knows how to make an art out of the sandwiches he creates. He knows what true dedication is. Subway WISHES it was as good as Fred. Seriously, the other day I went to Subway and had a sandwich and the bread was like a fucking brick. So god damned stale. Don't mind me breaking the fourth wall to rant on Subway I just need to get it off my chest. I always go in and get the usual sub, and I always get honey mustard on it. When I do the workers have the AUDACITY to give me a weird look. Like, I'm some sort of weirdo for getting honey mustard? What the hell? You work at Subway, you don't get to judge me. So what if I work at McDonald's which is arguably worse. Hell, when I get my Jr. Chickens plain but add cheese at the McDonald's I work at my co-workers also judge me. What is so wrong with a girl getting a sandwich made in a specific way? What the hell? Anyway, back to the story.

Dave was stumped. He didn't know how he was to choose between two different, amazing sandwiches. Both so different, yet so perfect in their own ways. One really could go for either. There's no real downside to getting either sandwich, except that Dave wouldn't know if the other would have been the better choice. If he were hungrier, Dave would have considered purchasing both. But it's only dinner, and Dave really isn’t that hungry. One does not generally go to a sandwich shop for a large meal. So now he just has to sit here and wonder what exactly he’s going to eat.

Tuna. Tuna could be such a fantastic choice. But what about Ham? Why are these choices so hard? Why can't these be easier to choose between? Tuna is such a strong, yet wonderful taste. Yes, it's unsavory for most people, however when Fred prepares it, anyone can love it. But ham is always good. Nobody complains about ham (except VEGANS). It's literally always good, especially when combined with the Swiss cheese and sauces. Why, oh why does Fred have to be so good at making any sandwich perfect?

Dave would notice a line starting behind him, and thus he knew it was soon time for him to make his decision. He would go over it one last time in his head. The delicious tuna melt, or the ham and cheese melt. This truly is the hardest decision a man could ever be handed. It's like someone gave you a gun and made you choose which testicle to shoot. You couldn't choose between your testicles, could you? It's safe to assume you never had to think of that before, and if you have then you may just be a sociopath. Nonetheless, David must make a decision.

This is the part where all of you readers are expecting me to tell you exactly what sandwich Dave chose. Any good writer would tell you at this point, but alas I’m going to be a dick. If you want to know what sandwich Dave got, you’ll need me to write a sequel.

 

To be continued...


End file.
